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Jun. 2nd, 2005 08:13 pmI'M GOING MENTAL. I NEED HELP.
I'm completely off the map right now. I can't even describe this fucking feeling. It's dull, I've become dull, the cause of dullness. I can feel this fucking dullness spooning into my brain.
I can't do anything. Honestly, I can't. I really truly fucking can't accomplish anything right now. I can barely type these fucking words. I've erased so many entries prior to posting them because they're lacking in any sort of substance at all. Because I have no fucking substance right now. I'm so empty right now, so dull.
I have no one to talk to because I don't want to talk to anyone. I need someone to talk to, but I avoid the people I'm close with. This is an uncomfortable situation. And nobody's talking to me either. I get 0 IMs per day, which is horrible because I sit at my computer looking at my buddy list with nobody on it. I erased everyone because it was taking over normal social interaction. Turns out it was the only fucking social interaction I had. Because I get 0 calls per day as well.
I hate the people around here. I fucking hate Long Island. I can't make friends. I can't meet girls. I've lived here my entire life, you'd think I know how to deal with these people. But I fucking don't.
I'm really in a deep funk guys. I'm in serious mental pain right now. I haven't been myself in fucking god knows how long. Since fucking January. I need to know what normal is again. What it's like to not care about being liked, and to be liked because you actually mean something, you have social worth. I want to feel cool and appreciated and funny and well-liked again. Or at least be able to buy into the illusion that I am.
I'm a turd right now. A fucking waste of space. ARGH fucking ARGH ARGH ARGH. God FUCKING DAMMIT.
CAPS DON'T COVER IT! NEITHER DO EXCLAMATION POINTS! THIS MALAISE TRANSCENDS ANYTHING I CAN COMMUNICATE, WHICH IS AT THE ROOT OF MY PROBLEM.
I know. I'll drink. Sober is just way too sober for me right now. Drunk is only slightly better, but whatever.
This is a dark matter, people.
And I tried so hard to remove myself from this hole today. I went and got blood work done that I needed to get five months ago. I went and cleaned my room. I went and saw Crash, which is probably the most conflicting and depressing movie I've seen. It completely erases the line between protagonist and antagonist, so you can't find a solid ground in rooting for a specific person. I liked it.
I have this thing where I come really close to crying in theaters. The first time was at Lost in Translation. It almost happened today. I think I would have let loose had I been the only one in the place. I cry at home when I watch movies. You heard me. I weep like a little bitch. Cause I really like movies.
I know. I'll drink.
I'm completely off the map right now. I can't even describe this fucking feeling. It's dull, I've become dull, the cause of dullness. I can feel this fucking dullness spooning into my brain.
I can't do anything. Honestly, I can't. I really truly fucking can't accomplish anything right now. I can barely type these fucking words. I've erased so many entries prior to posting them because they're lacking in any sort of substance at all. Because I have no fucking substance right now. I'm so empty right now, so dull.
I have no one to talk to because I don't want to talk to anyone. I need someone to talk to, but I avoid the people I'm close with. This is an uncomfortable situation. And nobody's talking to me either. I get 0 IMs per day, which is horrible because I sit at my computer looking at my buddy list with nobody on it. I erased everyone because it was taking over normal social interaction. Turns out it was the only fucking social interaction I had. Because I get 0 calls per day as well.
I hate the people around here. I fucking hate Long Island. I can't make friends. I can't meet girls. I've lived here my entire life, you'd think I know how to deal with these people. But I fucking don't.
I'm really in a deep funk guys. I'm in serious mental pain right now. I haven't been myself in fucking god knows how long. Since fucking January. I need to know what normal is again. What it's like to not care about being liked, and to be liked because you actually mean something, you have social worth. I want to feel cool and appreciated and funny and well-liked again. Or at least be able to buy into the illusion that I am.
I'm a turd right now. A fucking waste of space. ARGH fucking ARGH ARGH ARGH. God FUCKING DAMMIT.
CAPS DON'T COVER IT! NEITHER DO EXCLAMATION POINTS! THIS MALAISE TRANSCENDS ANYTHING I CAN COMMUNICATE, WHICH IS AT THE ROOT OF MY PROBLEM.
I know. I'll drink. Sober is just way too sober for me right now. Drunk is only slightly better, but whatever.
This is a dark matter, people.
And I tried so hard to remove myself from this hole today. I went and got blood work done that I needed to get five months ago. I went and cleaned my room. I went and saw Crash, which is probably the most conflicting and depressing movie I've seen. It completely erases the line between protagonist and antagonist, so you can't find a solid ground in rooting for a specific person. I liked it.
I have this thing where I come really close to crying in theaters. The first time was at Lost in Translation. It almost happened today. I think I would have let loose had I been the only one in the place. I cry at home when I watch movies. You heard me. I weep like a little bitch. Cause I really like movies.
I know. I'll drink.
