How Science Killed My Famlily

It just came to me that maybe going down to Florida and getting a job as a character at Walt Disney World would be a great idea. They strongly encourage performers from all cultural backgrounds. I'm from all cultural backgrounds. Specifically one. I mean, I could probably get a job as Aladdin or Mowgli or Pocahontas's brother, Frank Hontas. But I'd really like to be a fully-costumed, 7-foot-tall character that could inspire pure joy, stern indifference, or sheer terror from small children.

I'd have a lot of fun, I think, so long as I'd be able to wear a giant mask. I can't imagine having many inhibitions if no one knew it was me inside a Pluto costume. What keeps people from warming up to me is my deceitful countenance. No one ever buys my smile because I'm usually smiling at something else altogether. Or maybe Goofy.

But what I never understood was how they could both be dogs. The Disney characters are largely anthropomorphized animals, Goofy included. Why did they skip over Pluto? Or is it that Pluto is just the only normal member of some fucked up alternate universe? Have Goofy and Pluto ever been in the same room together? Who would sniff whose ass hole?

Here's a picture of me and Mickey from back when we were good friends:



The story goes that I was offering him the gum straight out of my mouth.

( Here are some other pictures of me with theme park mascots )

Furthermore, I got my job at Haagen Dazs back. So I guess the Disney World gig will have to wait until I rake up enough money from Best Buy and HD.

Fucking, I need money.