Post by phone; post by e-mail; create a poll

Look. I filled in the music field for this entry. You know why? It's because I bought music today in the form of compact disc from where I work, Best Buy. I got Nine Inch Nails' With Teeth and Mahavishnu Orchestra's The Lost Trident Sessions. The last new music I got was Sigur Ros' Takk, and I've been listening to that shit over and over on account of how much I like it (a lot). As redundant as the Best Buy broadcast is, the loop of hits they play over and over--I hear Kanye West at least 5 times per work day, they play some good songs. They play the same loop for about three months, with the same banter between two unnamed Best Buy super friendly DJs, and they recently changed it. On the last loop was NIN's "All the Love in the World," The Bad Plus's "Anthem for the Earnest," and a few others I didn't mind hearing over and over. The new loop isn't too hot. It's got Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." But that's about it, yo.

So hearing "All the Love in the World" over and over and liking it each time prompted me to buy the damn CD. I'm not disappointed and Corporate America wins, so everyone's happy, you know? The Mahavishnu CD is really good too. But what's best is that I bought the first season of Count Duckula. How do you like that shit? It's all part of my scheme to recapture the happiness of my childhood. And being that television had about as much responsibility in my upbringing as my own parents, buying these DVDs of my favorite shows as a kid is pretty much like buying back my childhood, which I feel was robbed of me by time and white people.

I'm serious. All I want to do is watch DVDs all the live long day. This mental lethargy, the desire to have things happen for my brain rather than let my brain make things happen for itself, I'm aware of it. I know I'm letting my brain get eaten away by the Internet and laziness. But seriously, what else is there? I read half of Kurt Vonnegut's Slapstick last night, more than half, in about 2 1/2 hours. It's not that long of a story, he fills a lot of space with asterisks and "Hi ho."s. But this was a feat for me because I hadn't read from a novel in months and months. Literally months. And months. I suppose it was the right thing to do, if for anything else than to prove to myself that I still knew how to read.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm obviously being dishonest with you in one way or the other. I want to read more. On the same token, I want to watch more movies. And it honestly feels like I'm doing none of both. And that also I can't write. I started this entry because I wanted to listen to this album and have something to do while it played and while I drank rum and coke. It's going alright so far, I guess, although writing for an audience that either doesn't read or doesn't respond and wanting a response, or any form of recognition that I'm alive and in the same world, so bad is like addressing the issue of civil rights to Nazis with ADD. I'm just as guilty of not reading or not responding as all you guys. It seems like I'm calling you ADD'd Nazis, but really I'm calling out for your love because I love you all so much. I'm just saying that I don't know.

I've been in limbo, really. Not depressed. Not happy, though, and in the unfulfilled pursuit of happiness, becoming more and more convinced that happiness is neutrality. Not sad. Just not sad. I've felt dull for quite some time. Pretty much all of 2005. But I've been making an effort to rid myself of dullness. When I was really depressed, there was a part of me that felt really smart and funny and happy because I was those two things. Except I was so depressed that those two things weren't enough to make me happy. Not I'm not depressed, I don't feel really smart, nor funny, nor happy. I want to know what this is. And how to get away from it. Illicit drugs don't work, at least not the ones I've tried. The prescriptions keep things under a numb control, which is great, but seriously. Maybe it's the environment? Losing contact with my close friends? Having to forge relationships with people I don't genuinely like? I just don't know where to put things right now.

I think I've said too much and that none of it is of any consequence to anyone, including myself. But there's that. And there's that I'm intent upon making 2006 a good year. Even though years arbitrarily begin on the first Januaries, the date has significance so impressed upon our schedules that January 1st represents a new beginning whether you like it or not. So I'm going to make a new beginning of it, I don't care what anyone says. And I'm trying to make things better for myself. To be better to myself and other people. Autonomous utilitarianism. Put myself first and the good of humanity before that.

I'm going to start by not setting myself up for disappointment by vowing drastic changes in my life. Get it?

Incomplete PRODUCTIONS presents

My movie, my AVF47 film, is DONE. It's fucking done.

In that it's been edited to a fine rough cut and transferred to DVD. Which means that all that is left is fixing the minutiae, a word I've never used before.

I made a movie, in color, on film, with sound, and it's a super feeling. Despite its being just another student film, it's the greatest thing I've ever accomplished.

The only means of sharing it with all of you I can think of is mailing DVDs. And I'll do that, if you want, because I'm proud of it.

It's called "Going NOWHERE."