Where the ground won't turn and the rain it burns like the tears when I said goodbye.

I'm sick. There are coughs and sneezes and boogers coming out of me. Does this happen to you too when you're sick that you have bad dreams? Should I rephrase that? When I'm sick, I get bad dreams. When you're sick do you get bad dreams?

The bad part about bad dreams when you're sick is that you sleep so much. So all you want to do is feel better and not have these bad dreams, to sleep and dream about being able to jump and freeze in mid-air.

So I had this awful homo-erotic dream today. Fucking awful mess of disgusting homosexual blowjobs. See I was watching this Stanley Kubrick movie, this one that doesn't exist. And it was a fucking weird ass flick that didn't offer much in the way of continuity. This one segment of the movie involved a series of short, close-up interviews with men about some sort of subject. Someone would ask a question of these guys and right as they began to answer, an erect penis would come from off-screen and stab them in the mouth. They couldn't get a word in edgewise without getting a mouthful of penis. And you could tell that they hated it, that it was some cruel joke and they didn't want to be forced into giving fellatio. Some were on the verge of tears.

And why Kubrick? He's more of a misogynist than anything else. I guess with woman-hating comes man-loving. Sweet, sweet, oral man-loving. I mean.

I mean, pardon me for having this dream and being candid about it. Lord knows I could have gone my whole life without telling anyone about this. Ironically if it were a dream about female mouth-rape, I probably wouldn't have shared. I would have warshed my drawers and gone on with my life.

I didn't wake up with a boner or nothing. And you can ask any of the billions of girls I've romanced about my sexual preference. I swear it, I'm not gay.

I haven't seen the movie Heathers in a while. I smell an unsalted popcorn, make over movie night!

Don't be gay, Shenoy!

Wake em in the morning. Actin' like a jerkoff.

This is how to make a 10" ribbon cake:

Step 1)



Drop ice cream from mold and look at it. Then go to step 2.

Step 2)



Douse that motherfucker in Belgian milk chocolate. Don't worry about coating the whole damn thing. There's going to be cookies around it. Put that shit into the blast freezer for 10-15 min. I like to spend this time hiding behind the toilet:



Step 3)



Put a bead of room temperature fudge around the thing. This is for the cookies.

Step 4)



Put the cookies around it and put the ribbon around it.

Step 5)



Make eight gay whip topping rosettes, each gayer than the last. Shave curls of harden Belgian milk chocolate and then put those on the flowers. Then you write "Happy Birthday Laura" on it, no matter whose birthday it is.

Then go home and cry yourself to sleep.