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Who's my Caucasian?
Jan. 3rd, 2004 01:26 pmI'm reading Steve Martin's new book, The Pleasure of my Company. I originally got it for my dad for Christmas, but I was too lazy to wrap it and didn't want to give him a naked present. He didn't get me anything either, so I guess we have an understanding. This book is really good. It would have been perfect for my dad to read because the main character is plagued with a bunch of mental idiosynchracies that get in the way of living a normal life, much like my father. But I know he'd never read it. I've never read any of the books he's given to me. So I kept it for myself.
This one passage really cracks me up:
"This was my opportunity to meet my objet d'amour. Or at least give her a chance to see me, to get used to me. My plan was to walk by on my side of the street and not look over her way. This, I felt, was a very clever masculine move: to meet and ultimately seduce through no contact at all. She would be made aware of me as a mysterious figure, someone with no need of her whatsoever. This is compelling to a woman."
He's not being sarcastic. This is really the way he feels. And that's scary to me because it's pretty much my method of seducing women as well. To not even look at them. It bugs me that I'm such a loser. But it's also really funny to read shit like that. Through no contact at all. Jesus.
My dad got off easy, he was arranged. I have to fend for myself, with no genetic basis for wooing the opposite sex. Who the fuck would marry my dad on her own will?
This girl broke her nails last night because of my rues. We have a sliding door at HD that we keep unlocked in the summer. When it's winter, we keep it locked because idiot customers have a habit of leaving it open when they leave. They don't care. They got their ice cream. Their job is done. After all, sliding a door shut is quite a burden. I mean, you have to slide it. That shit is hard to do.
Anyway, people still try to open it. And they try hard. If a thin sliding door that obviously only weighs 15-20 lbs doesn't open with 2 lbs of force, then it's locked and therefore will not open at all. But they try. They try once. Then they try harder once. Then they try harder with both hands once. And sometimes even again once. They admit defeat and walk the 10 extra ft. to the front door.
So these girls, three of them, each gave it a go. When the first one made an attempted, I mimed to her to really give it some force. She couldn't do it. So her friend stepped up to the plate. She gave it the old two-hander. She pulled so hard that her fingers slipped and she broke a few of her nails. Ha! That's what I call punishment for stupidity. And the logic of these people is as such: If girls 1 and 2 couldn't open it with significant force, then by god, girl 3 must try, because she's got superhuman strength and her friends don't have the capacity to accomplish the simple task of opening a door.
This sliding door is an enigma to most people. A girl once opened the door, popped her head in, and asked me if she could enter by way of it. I should have said no. The door was ajar at one time, and a customer who had just finished a transaction asked if she could leave through it. I should have said no.
Someone should put a sign up or something. Yep, someone really should. A sign that says "Please use other door." Yeah, someone should really put a sign like that on the sliding door. Yeah, they should.
But you can shit in one hand and crap in the other and see which one gets filled first.
This one passage really cracks me up:
"This was my opportunity to meet my objet d'amour. Or at least give her a chance to see me, to get used to me. My plan was to walk by on my side of the street and not look over her way. This, I felt, was a very clever masculine move: to meet and ultimately seduce through no contact at all. She would be made aware of me as a mysterious figure, someone with no need of her whatsoever. This is compelling to a woman."
He's not being sarcastic. This is really the way he feels. And that's scary to me because it's pretty much my method of seducing women as well. To not even look at them. It bugs me that I'm such a loser. But it's also really funny to read shit like that. Through no contact at all. Jesus.
My dad got off easy, he was arranged. I have to fend for myself, with no genetic basis for wooing the opposite sex. Who the fuck would marry my dad on her own will?
This girl broke her nails last night because of my rues. We have a sliding door at HD that we keep unlocked in the summer. When it's winter, we keep it locked because idiot customers have a habit of leaving it open when they leave. They don't care. They got their ice cream. Their job is done. After all, sliding a door shut is quite a burden. I mean, you have to slide it. That shit is hard to do.
Anyway, people still try to open it. And they try hard. If a thin sliding door that obviously only weighs 15-20 lbs doesn't open with 2 lbs of force, then it's locked and therefore will not open at all. But they try. They try once. Then they try harder once. Then they try harder with both hands once. And sometimes even again once. They admit defeat and walk the 10 extra ft. to the front door.
So these girls, three of them, each gave it a go. When the first one made an attempted, I mimed to her to really give it some force. She couldn't do it. So her friend stepped up to the plate. She gave it the old two-hander. She pulled so hard that her fingers slipped and she broke a few of her nails. Ha! That's what I call punishment for stupidity. And the logic of these people is as such: If girls 1 and 2 couldn't open it with significant force, then by god, girl 3 must try, because she's got superhuman strength and her friends don't have the capacity to accomplish the simple task of opening a door.
This sliding door is an enigma to most people. A girl once opened the door, popped her head in, and asked me if she could enter by way of it. I should have said no. The door was ajar at one time, and a customer who had just finished a transaction asked if she could leave through it. I should have said no.
Someone should put a sign up or something. Yep, someone really should. A sign that says "Please use other door." Yeah, someone should really put a sign like that on the sliding door. Yeah, they should.
But you can shit in one hand and crap in the other and see which one gets filled first.
