SURVEY SAYS: You're a faggot.

There was a point in my life when I had two turtles. My memory is foggy, but I must have been in middle school when I had these turtles. I can't remember what their names were, but I remember how much of a pain it was to take care of them. My mom made me wear latex gloves whenever I handled them. I wanted nothing more than to put my bare hands all over them, but I was never allowed to touch them without the gloves. The filter would always get clogged and the hefty tank needed to be cleaned all to often.

One turtle had a pointed tail and the other's was rounded--I can only assume with my lack of turtle know-how that one was a male and the other a female. After much debate, I told myself that the pointed tail was the female.

My fondest memory of turtle ownership is when pointy-tail died. I knew it was inevitable, I didn't really take that great care of them; it was as if they didn't want to be taken care of. One night,I looked in the tank and pointy was floating in the water with her head submerged and her limbs hanging loose at her side and the pointed tail hanging like a turd from her ass. I stared at it for a good 10 minutes, this dead turtle. Roundy and I watched her float until I mustered up the guts to take her out of the water. I was hoping she would come back to life when I picked her up, but her lifeless head remained dangling at the shell.

We ate like kings that night.