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First Franklin: We Play by Different Rules
Aug. 3rd, 2002 06:33 amFor the past week, I've been having trouble sleeping at a reasonable hour. Don't get me wrong, I'm fucking tired as shit right now. But whenever I try to go to bed, I just lay there and watch the hours pass. I tried reading, cause that usually helps. I started reading 'Short Cuts.' I only read the first two short stories and I really like it. But I'm so tired that I skip over words and end up reading the same sentences over and over. And I still can't get to sleep.
For the past three weeks, my father has not been attending work regularly. I've counted only 3 or 4 times in the past three weeks that he's gone to work. Tonight he said that his department was throwing a party for him. He didn't inform me as to what the reason for celebration was. When I came home from work, I saw a huge novelty greeting card that said something along the lines of "Goodbye and Good Luck." It had a bunch of messages on it from people who had signed it. So I guess my dad retired. He's 56 years old. Now maybe he'll travel the world like he always tells me he wants to do. Maybe he'll go to Egypt or Europe or climb fucking Mt. Everest. The man can't even leave the house because of his "fear of the outside world." Why the fuck did he retire? Like his job was fucking hard, he never even went. He got paid shitloads to do nothing. He was head of his goddamn department. I wonder if he's going to get another job.
God. Why the fuck am I so angry at my father? It's more resentment than anger. But it's also anger. I can't recall my father ever being a great part in my life. I don't remember him ever giving me positive reinforcement in anything I did. He never partook in any of my interests. In fact, I only remember his disapproval of my activities. Sure, there's no way in hell that I'd ever amount to nearly as much as he did. He probably knows it too. But that's no reason not to be a part of your son's life.
God. I feel so much fucking guilt when I come home. I haven't spoken with my sister in over a month. I've been spending my parents' money left and right. On fucking beer, on drugs. I've been coming home at fucking 3 in the morning, waking up at 3 in the afternoon. Coming home piss drunk on occasion. Coming home high almost every night and eating all the food in the house. Basically I just feel like a burden. Basically, I just want to go to fucking sleep so I don't have to think about this shit anymore.
Fuck that. To hell with this shit.
For the past three weeks, my father has not been attending work regularly. I've counted only 3 or 4 times in the past three weeks that he's gone to work. Tonight he said that his department was throwing a party for him. He didn't inform me as to what the reason for celebration was. When I came home from work, I saw a huge novelty greeting card that said something along the lines of "Goodbye and Good Luck." It had a bunch of messages on it from people who had signed it. So I guess my dad retired. He's 56 years old. Now maybe he'll travel the world like he always tells me he wants to do. Maybe he'll go to Egypt or Europe or climb fucking Mt. Everest. The man can't even leave the house because of his "fear of the outside world." Why the fuck did he retire? Like his job was fucking hard, he never even went. He got paid shitloads to do nothing. He was head of his goddamn department. I wonder if he's going to get another job.
God. Why the fuck am I so angry at my father? It's more resentment than anger. But it's also anger. I can't recall my father ever being a great part in my life. I don't remember him ever giving me positive reinforcement in anything I did. He never partook in any of my interests. In fact, I only remember his disapproval of my activities. Sure, there's no way in hell that I'd ever amount to nearly as much as he did. He probably knows it too. But that's no reason not to be a part of your son's life.
God. I feel so much fucking guilt when I come home. I haven't spoken with my sister in over a month. I've been spending my parents' money left and right. On fucking beer, on drugs. I've been coming home at fucking 3 in the morning, waking up at 3 in the afternoon. Coming home piss drunk on occasion. Coming home high almost every night and eating all the food in the house. Basically I just feel like a burden. Basically, I just want to go to fucking sleep so I don't have to think about this shit anymore.
Fuck that. To hell with this shit.
